We often think of fidelity to God’s will in the big things, but it is shown most clearly in the little things. If a husband is faithful, not only does he not cheat on his wife, but he is faithful in daily life: he works hard to provide for his family, joins them for dinner, plays with his kids, and chats with his wife before bed – only to do it all over again the next day.

When I first joined the Legionaries of Christ, a Catholic religious community, I wanted to be a faithful priest. But how did I train for that? In the novitiate, it included cleaning the communal bathrooms for thirty minutes right after breakfast every day. I don’t enjoy cleaning bathrooms (who does?), but I saw the purpose in the wider sense of the vocation to be a priest in this community.

Sometimes God only provides us with so much vision. We have to go on in the right direction despite not knowing the whole way. Let me give you a picture of this.

Recently, I went for a few days to pray with the monks of Holy Transfiguration Monastery in northern California. To start the day, I needed to go down to the chapel and join the monks for Divine Liturgy early in the morning, long before sunrise. In the spirit of the retreat I had left my phone in the car, so all I had was a candle. The walk was over rough terrain, mainly on a rutted gravel road. It took me longer, as I walked slowly and carefully to avoid tripping. It struck me that at the moment the little patch illuminated by the candle was all God wanted me to see, and all I needed to see. He provided enough light for me to put one foot in front of the other, but not enough to see down the road or around the corner. As I approached the chapel, the light from inside shone out, and I could quicken my step. I thought of dying people approaching heaven, experiencing its light coming out to meet them and quickening their steps.

After Divine Liturgy, the sun had risen, so I could walk back with the candle unlit. It was much like the examen prayer, an examination of one’s conscience where we look back at what we have done with the benefit of clearer hindsight. I saw that I had generally followed the right path even though I’d veered to the side here and there. I could have judged myself for those slight deviations, but realizing how little light I had had allowed me to be more realistic and less judgmental of my past self. I could see I had walked as best I could, given the circumstances.

This experience of seeing my past in more clarity happened in a big way when I was diagnosed with autism as a priest. Looking back, I noticed many cases where I had misread social cues due to unawareness. I also noticed numerous times I made errors where at the time I was doing my best. If I realize the little candle of light I had at the time, I can’t blame myself for making what seemed like the best choice then. I imagine many others have similar experiences, where things in their past become clearer. At such times, we can be harsh on our past selves, or we can recognize that we followed the light God gave us then, and were faithful to what he wanted us to do, even if now we would act differently.

I’m still a very anxious person, because I want to get everything right, which seems to be common in our modern world. Sometimes, I need to step back and realize that God only judges me based on what I know at the time. If I make the best decision I can based on what I know now, he is pleased. Realizing that God only gives me that little light and lets me operate within it can be freeing.

We Catholics think of the priesthood as a lifelong vocation with a degree of commitment similar to marriage. Members of religious orders, or “religious,” such as Dominicans, Jesuits, and Benedictines, make additional vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. As I see priests and religious I know – who, like me, made perpetual vows – abandon the priesthood, their religious vows, or both, I get a little discouraged. These were my brothers, walking together in this life. Seeing them walk away from a vocation they made vows to live, I get a taste of what a divorce must feel like, though I imagine divorces hit married people even harder.

It is so much easier to be faithful when those around us are faithful. How do I go forward? I guess I must work with the little light I have and put one foot in front of the other on the path God allows me to see. I did not know they would leave, but he did, and he promised us that reward in heaven if we keep going.

I think we all wish we could see our future, but what if seeing it would change the choices we make, and so make us not follow God’s will? One thing that has surprised researchers is that when people are healthy, they think they will be able to endure much less suffering than they actually can when sick. This is seen in that many people who get a prescription for assisted suicide end up not using it. They think the suffering will be unbearable, yet when it reaches the level they thought would be unbearable, they find it is bearable.

If God had let me see all the struggles I would have throughout my life when I entered religious life at age nineteen, I might not have been able to handle it. If I had known the truth about the founder of my community, Marcial Maciel, I would have joined a different community at nineteen. Seven years later, it later came to light that he had sexually abused many boys and young men, had sexual relationships with at least four women, and fathered as many as six children. As the Vatican concluded: “The very grave and objectively immoral actions of Father Maciel, confirmed by incontrovertible testimonies, in some cases constitute real crimes and manifest a life devoid of scruples and authentic religious meaning.”

But somehow, God wanted me in this community. When things came out about Maciel’s double life, I felt a commitment to God in the community well beyond and independent of Maciel. God prepared me better for a tough situation by not letting me know everything beforehand. I can think of many spouses who were given the task of caring for a disabled spouse or child after their marriage through circumstances well beyond their control. They often live heroic and fulfilling lives, but I wonder how many would not have gone on a first date with that person if they knew it would lead to such a future. God prepares us for what he has ahead but does not always show us, and it is for our own good.

God sometimes just gives us a candle to show his will. He does not always give us the full light of day. This can often be helpful in leading us where we need to go. We need to just take one step at a time in the direction we know he wants us to go and trust he will guide the next step. We might look back and see a few slight deviations, but these were in God’s plan all along: when he let us see only so much, he does not judge us for not seeing other aspects.